Can't Go Back
by thediagnosis
Summary: A short one-shot about when I think "that other time" was. Pre-series.


Donna sat crossed-legged on her couch, one hand wrapped around a warm cup of tea and the other flipping the pages of her favorite book. It had been a hard day. A long, hard day, and she was doing everything possible to try and take her mind off of it. She twisted her neck around in a slow circle, working out the knots and kinks that seemed to plague every single muscle in her body. The emotional hell that had been the last week of her life made her feel like she had run the Boston Marathon. Twice.

A loud pounding at her door made her jump, spilling her tea all over the place.

"Jesus...", she muttered under her breath, standing up and wiping what she could off her pajamas. She squinted at the clock. 2:47am. The pounding started again, and this time didn't stop. Donna rolled her eyes hard and padded over to the door. "Alright, alright, I'm coming. If you break your fist on my door I'm not paying your medical bill." She undid the latch and opened the door slowly, her eyes peering out the small crack and widening as she saw who it was.

"That's my girl. Never pay for punitive damages," said a familiar voice, but in a tone she had never heard before.

"Harvey?". He stood at her doorstep, disheveled. Hair running a mess on top of his head, tie hanging unevenly from his neck. He was an absolute mess and it shocked her to see him like this. "What the hell happened to you? Are you drunk?"

"I'm so pitiful I wouldn't even let myself get drunk," he answered, running a hand across his stubbly chin.

Donna cocked her head to one side and gave him a final once-over, "Get in here."

She walked in behind him, closing the door softly. He looked like a lost street puppy, aimlessly wandering around with his hands stuffed in his pockets.

"Is that the same suit you had on yesterday?"

"Maybe," Harvey answered, looking at the floor.

"Harvey Specter. In all the years I have known you, I've never seen you wear the same suit twice."

"Well, I guess there is a first for everything. Me wearing the same suit, my mentor being a lying prick."

She licked her lips and blew a big breath out her nose as she assumed the same position on the couch that she was in before he got here. She should have known that this was what this was about Cameron Dennis.

"Do you want to sit down? Talk?"

He glanced around the apartment, taking in the different shades and little knick-knacks that she had around the place. It was quaint.

"No. Not really."

"Then what?"

"Then what, what?" he answered, the creases around his eyes deepening as he looked at her.

"It's almost three in the morning. Why...are...you...here?", she said, emphasizing every word like she was talking to a child.

Harvey shrugged his shoulders, "I was in the neighborhood."

"Right. You were in the neighborhood that happens to be light-years away from your neighborhood."

"Right."

"Don't bullshit me, Harvey. I'm not throwing you a pity party, if that is what you are thinking."

"But you are so good at throwing parties. Remember that time when..."

"Don't even go there," she cut him off before he could bring it up, prompting him to raise his eyebrows at her. "Honestly, if that is what you are looking for then there are probably one hundred women in this city that would love for you to cry into their bosoms."

"Maybe I want to cry into yours."

"Well I can't blame you, they are nice."

"They are," he said with a smile, causing them both to let out a little laugh.

His expression changed as he walked towards her, sitting down heavily on the couch. He let out a deep sigh and turned his head towards her. His amber eyes were dark as they stared into hers, looked like he hadn't slept in a week. There was a long silence as they held each others gaze, waiting for the right time to break it.

"Did I do the right thing, Donna?"

"You always do the right thing," she answered with a soft smile. "He was poison, Harvey. You had no choice, you had to get out of there. And you did it with dignity."

"I don't deserve you, you know that?" he whispered, shaking his head.

"I know. That's why you pay me so well."

"I mean it, Donna. You wanna know what really brought me here tonight?"

She took a hard gulp and stared at him. Where was he going with this? Did she really want to know?

"Well, I'm going to tell you anyways. I'm giving you an out."

"What?" Donna said, confused.

"You didn't sign up for this. I dragged you into it and you are better than that. So I'm giving you an out. If you wanna leave, find another lawyer to work for, I understand. And I condone it."

"Wow, Dennis really screwed you up, didn't he?" she said, brushing her fingers through the stray hairs on his forehead. "Harvey, listen to me. You're right, I didn't sign up for this. But I signed up for you. You're my oldest and closest friend and if you think some asshole with a moral complex is going to send me running then you don't know me as well as I think you do."

"Donna...",

"No, let me finish. I am in this with you until the end, until you won't have me anymore. We're a team and we get through this stuff together. I'm with you, Harvey...always."

Her hand clasped his, fingers intertwining as a current shot straight through her body.

"Always," he repeated, squeezing her hand tightly.

Her breath was shallow and ragged as he held her gaze again, but this time it was something other than sleep in his eyes. There had been a connection between them since the beginning, but tonight it was different than anything she'd felt from him before. She knew he was going to kiss her before he did, but it still came as a surprise when he moved towards her. His hand still held hers tightly as his other ran through her hair, fingers running right down to the bottom of the strand. His face was an inch away from hers as he took her top lip into his mouth, kissing her slowly, cautiously. Waiting for her response before he went further. She moved into him, deepening the kiss. Her free hand pressed against his hard chest and ran it's way up to his neck. That small touched changed everything, and all of a sudden it was like a feeding frenzy. His tongue slipped into her mouth as she got up on her knees, arms wrapping around him. Her body was being berated by so many different senses; his sweet taste, the smell of stale cologne, and the heat radiating from his body. She felt him pressing her down, her legs parting to let him rest in between. He rocked against her and she rocked back, a small moan escaping her lips as she felt him. His hands were pushing up her shirt, and just as the current had shot through her before, this time it pushed them apart.

"Harvey, stop," she said, her hands on his chest pushing him upwards. "We can't do this."

"Why not?," he asked, his eyes pleading at her. She shut hers tightly, trying to think clearly.

"You're my boss, my friend. And once we do this...," she hesitated, weighing the pros and cons mentally once again, making sure that this was the decision she wanted to make.

"Donna, if you're worried that you're just another notch on the Harvey Specter belt..."

"No, I know I'm not. Actually, it would be easier if I were," she interrupted, his face turning to a confused expression. "Once we go there, we can never go back."

He stared down at her and she saw the moment that he understood. She knew that he would. He pressed his forehead against hers, gently resting it there for minute, lingering in the moment that they both knew could never happen again. He closed his eyes as he backed up off her into a sitting position. She followed and stood up, crossing her arms across her chest and looking at him.

"Do you want to stay here tonight?"

"This couch is pretty comfortable," he said, smiling.

Donna nodded at him and grabbed some blankets and a pillow from the linen closet and throwing it at him on the couch, smiling. This was what they were about. This relationship, this friendship, was what she couldn't risk losing just so their hormones could have some fun. She knew deep inside that it was more than that, though, but tonight wasn't the night for those kind of thoughts.

"Goodnight, Harvey. And think of it this way, sex you can get with anybody, but there is only one best legal secretary in the world." They both laughed as Donna headed for her room.

"Donna," he called after her, prompting her to turn around. "I love you."

"I love you too, Harvey," she said with a smirk as she turned off the lights.


End file.
